Samoan Jokes submitted by the crew and you.

 

Q: What do you call a Samoan with one leg longer than the other?

A:   Not even eeeoww!!! 

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Q:   Why did the chicken cross the road

A:   Cause his mum was standing across the road with the samoan jandal

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Q: What do you call a Samoan with wings

A: A lago (a fly)

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A Samoan man and a Maori man were were watching Monday night football together.  

The Maori man says "Bro I'll bet you $10 bucks the halfbacks next pass out of the scrum will be an intercept"

The Samoan   replies " Ia, you'ves kot a teal" ( Ok you've got a deal)

Sure enough a scrum goes down, the halfback passes the ball and its intecepted.

" A woi tafiolae.."(Oh my life)   says the Samoan man and hands the Maori man a $10 bill.

"Bro I cant take your money" says the Maori man,   "I confess that I listened to this game earlier this afternoon on the radio."

"Yeah, me too" said the Samoan man, "But   I nevah fink he is be stupid enuff to do it akain!"

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Three young samoan beach boys were discussing their plans for the future.

One of the samoan boys says when he grows up he wants to be the first Samoan Astronaut, and even better he says he wants to be the first Samoan Astronaut to go to the Sun!

His friends say "Eh are you valea (Are you stupid) ...You gonna burn up"

He answers confidently " Nope me leave at night time"

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 An   Australian   man won a ticket to the ALL BLACK vs THE WALLABIES game on Saturday. When he arrived he was a little   disappointed as   his ticket had him seated right at the back on the far right stand.   Halfway thru the first half he noticed below him by the half way mark an empty seat.   It was   the best seat in the house! He made his way down to the empty seat   and asked the Samoan   man beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"

"No fank you" the Samoan man answered.  

So the Australian man sat down and after 30 mins he couldnt resist saying "Maaate! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"

The Samoan man replied "Well is pelongs to my wife, but she is bass away now."

Feeling badly the Australian man asks "Couldnt you have   asked a relative to come along with you?"

"No" replied the Samoan man.

The Australian man was confused and asked "Why not?"

The Samoan man replies "Begause dey all ko to da funeral"

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Q: How can you tell a Samoan guy in Las Vegas?

A: He's the one playing the "parking meters"

Q: How can you tell a Tongan in Las Vegas?

A: He's waiting his turn behind the Samoan.

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 A Samoan man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a very posh theatre.   When the usher walked by and noticed this he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir but you are only allowed one seat ."

The Samoan man groaned but didnt budge.

The usher becomes impatient " Sir if you dont get up Im afraid I will have to return with the Manager!"

The Samoan man groaned but still didnt budge.

In a few moments the usher returns with the Manager and stood over the Samoan man.   Together the two of them tried   repeatedly to move him but had no success. Finally they summoned the Police.   The police man surveyed the situation briefly then asked the Samoan man, "Alright bubby whats your name?"

"Eleni" the man moaned.

"And where ya from Eleni?"   continued the Policeman

With pain in his voice Eleni replied "The top palcony"

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A Maori man, Aussie man and Samoan man were talking in the pub about how much control they had over their wives.  The Samoan man however remained quiet during this conversation.

After a while the Maori man and Aussie man noticed this and turned to the Samoan man and asked, "Well what about you uso? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The Samoan man felling a bit pressured replies "Well let me tell you, just the other night my wife she comes crawling to me on her hands and knees"

The Maori man and Aussie Man were amazed "Yeah wow, what happened next"

The Samoan man replies " Yeah she told me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

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 There was a competion held to swim from Apia bay to American Samoa doing only the breaststroke, and the tree women who entered the race was a Tongan lady, Maori lady and a Samoan lady.

About 14 hours later, the Tongan lady staggered up on shore and was declared the fastest breastroker, about 40 minutes later the Maori lady crawled on shore and finished in second place.

Nearly 4 hours later, waiting, waiting finally the Samoan lady came ashore and collasped in front the worried onlookers and the media. 

When the reporters asked her why it took her so long to complete the race she replied,

"U know, I don't want to looks like a sore loosa, but you know dose two odda kurls - dey been using their arms!"

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A samoan calls 000

"Herro, is dis the Bolice?"

"Yes can I help you"

"Im calling to rebort my neighbours his a Tongan manz and he be hiding Marijuana in his firewood"

"Thank you very much for your call sir"

The next day the police officers descend on the Tongan neighbours house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no Marijiana.  They curse and swear to themselves, apologise to the Tongan man for the mix up and left.

The next day the Samoan man rings the Tongan man

"Hey Tonga! Did the Bolice come to your house on yesterday?"

"Yeah!"

"And they chop your firewoods?"

"Yeah?"

"Happy Birthday USO!

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Three Aussies and three Kiwi's are travelling by train to the Bledisloe Cup match at Suncorp Stadium.  At the station the three Aussies each buy a train ticket each and watch the Kiwi's buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one the Aussies.

"Watch and Learn." answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train.  The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwi's cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.  Shortly after the train departed the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets Please!"  The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The train conductor takes it and moves on.  The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.  So after the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the Kiwis dont buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and Learn!" answers one of the Kiwis.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby.  The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets Please!"

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When our lawn mower broke down and wouldnt run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  I kept avoiding it as I was busy with Football, fixing my car etc etc.  There was always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to to make her point.  When I arrived home one day,I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.  When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. She looked up at me..... 

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said "you might as well sweep the path.".....

....The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp."

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 A Samoan man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I've just won the lottery! 10 million of it..."
"Woooohoooo! "That's great, sweetie!" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or mountains?"
"Who cares," he replies, "Just pack your bags and get out!"

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes downstairs.

The drunken Samoan from next door is standing on the porch in a pouring rainstorm, asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just that Samoan drunk from next door asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "NO, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and that Samoan guy and his friend helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello-are you still there?" "Yesh," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yesh, blease!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Ova here... on da swing"

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In a train there was a Aussie, Kiwi, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful ugly looking lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Aussie had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That Aussie son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The ugly lady thought - "This dirty old Aussie laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The Aussie thought - "That  bloody Kiwi put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The Kiwi thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Aussie again."

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Sione invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Sione's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Sione and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Sione and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Sione tells her, "I know what you must be thinking mum, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to Sione and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Sione said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mum, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Sione received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother

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A Samoan man was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked him to check her balance. So he pushed her over.

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 okay there were three brothers there name was "somebody,nobody,and crazy" they were all watching t.v at the moring of 9:00am all the way to 3:05am so then nobody got tired of watching so he went to the kitchen kus he was REALLY hungry then all he saw was a chicken and rice nothing else everything was all empty... so then he started eating it and then somebody came along and saw him eat kus he was ALSO hungry so then he looked around the kitchen to find food there was nothing there so then he ask nobody if he could have some and nobody said "NO" and sombody said "WHY NOT" then nobdy said kus this is the last one and im hella hungry so then sombody got mad and punch nobdy in the face and then nobody was at the ground and he got mad so they started fighting....next come crazy while changing the channel he saw them fighting and he was scared so he tried to stop them but they never listen, they kept on fighting each other.. so then crazy went out side screaming for help, he saw a security gaurd and yeld "HELP,HELP,HELP" the security gaurd replyed wats wrong young one.... crazy replied "some body is killing nobody" security gaurd said"WHAT" and then he said it again "somebody is killing nobody" and the security gaurd kept on saying "WHAT" then crazy said iit again"somebody is killing nobody" then the security gaurd got tired and said to him "ARE YOU CRAZY" and this is what he answered"YES IM CRAZY" lol iif dont get iit well iits kus his name IS crazy:)

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 You know your a samoan when your auntie looks like your uncle!

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to Samoan man kneeling at a grave.

The Samoan man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating " Oh my goshness! why for you have to dies?, why for you have to dies!?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The Samoan man took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first huspand."

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A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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